“Just as when weaving one reaches the end with fine threads woven throughout, so is the life of humans.” ~ Buddha
Goodbyes hurt the most, when the story is unfinished. Grief is hard to put in words, going through a loss of a loved one as an adult is far different experience than one in childhood. Somehow you think that the shows on TV and books written on death and dying would get you prepared for what is coming. In my younger years when I lost my dad the day was like act in the movie, or so I thought; the whole idea of when someone passes in one movie they turn around and come back in another. Needless to say I waited but my dad never made an appearance in another movie in my life. That was an abrupt end, one that was not expected or foreseen, that doesn’t mean I was primed for the one that could have been coming. I have been in the hospital environment and health care industry working alongside doctors for over 10 years. I have been surrounded by illness, worked in the morgue at night time (now that is an experience to be shared in another entry); but none of that prepares you when it hits home. When you see someone you love so dearly fighting a losing battle is something words can never express and it is a pain that I wish on nobody. The battle was long, certainly not my scuffle but being in the sideline seeing a person close to your heart go under the knife several times; the ache, the torture the combat for another day or a month is excruciating. Every time the phone rang, my heart dropped to my stomach, the horrific feeling expecting it to be the worse; every time you went under the blade waiting with abated breath to see if you will make it. You emerged a hero every time, seeing your undefeated beaming face after every surgery is what gave me strength to face the many issues that were going on in my life. It was the thought and our talks, about how it is your life and your body and nothing could be in it if you won’t allow it. How before every surgery we demanded that the tumor be out and that it was no longer allowed to be a guest in your body. The books we discussed about how mind is always more powerful than anything else and that if we willed it then it has to happen. We thought positive, and adopted the principle of one day at a time; and how that finally taught me how to live in the present. It took me over a month to finally write this, because to me it felt like if I wrote about it then I have to accept the fact that you are not here anymore. It is still very hard to come to terms with the fact that I will never hear you say “I love you Dolly Didi” again or that I will never actually feel your hug.
The last time that you went in, I still waited as there was a sliver of hope that you will make it out again. I know the practical mind knows, but so hard to explain to your heart and your soul. Being read up on the situation, and hearing the doctors; your mind knows one thing but your heart refuses to accept it. This is when the whole, I trusted in you God then why did this happen? I prayed for recovery, and prayers have power; then did I pray wrong? You go through and pray to all the religious beings this time it doesn’t matter if I am praying to Jesus, Allah or Shiva. Just anybody who is listening if they can answer the prayer is what goes through your mind. It makes you wonder what is it that you did in your life wrong that is causing this to happen. Even with the last time you kept your resolve, you did not budge in front of the situation. The last few words exchanged on dry erase board, the last I love you heard from your mouth those are some of the things that I will always cherish. As I sat there holding your hand seeing you struggle with every breath to make it through. At moments I held mine, just to balance and share some with you in the hopes that I can keep you longer with me. It is the pain of knowing that letting you go is what is best for you, but the selfishness of keeping you longer to have more time with you. It is at that time you really don’t know what to ask from God, do I ask that you stay longer or do I ask for you to be free and happy? This is the time when you start hoping for miracles and that maybe, maybe this is the time when God will finally show himself and fix it all with a magical wand. Every time you stopped you slowed down on your breathing I feared that was it, and then I heard you breathe again. That night and the following day were scary and by far the longest; because we knew what was coming. How we were biding you farewell happily and asking you to go sorely, because we wanted your pain to end. How we lied to you that we were going to be okay and that you don’t worry about us. At that time is when you realize how much you love someone that you are willing to take on a lifetime of sorrow and be happy while saying goodbye because you don’t want them to suffer. Your last breath that you took is the sound that I will never be able to forget, you have taught me to value life and that every time I breathe I appreciate it far more than I ever did. How little things in life doesn’t matter anymore, what matters is just happiness and to make most of everyday that you wake up healthy and alive. The void that you have left us with will never be filled, life will really never be the same again; but it will go on. I will do everything that we loved doing together, and enjoy it double for me and you. I will continue talking to you, and maybe for months I might go back and read your texts and emails just so I can hear your words. But I think I will be okay, because like we always used to say there is no other choice but to be okay. There is no other choice but for life to go on, but for us to find happiness; I know wherever your travels take you next you will be happy and healthy. I do hope that sometime again in this life or next our paths will cross again and somehow my soul will recognize yours. This has been excruciating to pen down, but something that needed to be done to finally accept what reality is – that you are no longer here, but will always be
there. You always wanted to be first in everything, and you beat us to this as well, but I have hope that I am going to see you again for sure.
I exist | I long | I hope | I trust
I release| I love| I am prepared